[This post was extremely difficult to write, but it was necessary. The GWC tries our hardest to give you insight into our lives and who we are. We’re firm believers that when you know better you do better. Hopefully this post will help gals (and guys) out there who in there 20’s and find it hard to fully cope with the loss of their first love…]
This Post is dedicated to The First Love I lost- My Daddy
Every one of my many heartbreaks could have been avoided had you not waited until I was 32 to tell me you loved me.
While browsing through one of my fave tumblr inspiration sites I saw this quote and it instantly stopped me from navigating to the next page. The tags under it were: divorce, absent,fathers failed,relationships, daughters, and love .
Out of 25 years of life I had my father for 4, spent 20 convincing myself that he was not needed and 1 coming to terms with all the built up hurt I’ve unsuccessfully tried to repress. I thank God for my Gandpa, Goddaddy and all the other men in my life who filled the shoes of my father, but honestly, My Daddy will always be the one who so easily walked away.
I feel that sometimes those of us who are the “successful” products of broken homes like to look down on those who “fall victim to the stereotype”, when in reality even though we aren’t spreading our legs to find love, we have closed our hearts and shielded our pain behind an ice cold rock hard exterior.
I can cook. I can clean. I can support you. I’m independent. I can from a good family. On paper, I am94% of what your parents told you to look for in a wife. I was born, raised and bred to be a wife. But ironically, I am not the complete package. I shut down, I can be cold, I’m paranoid, I over-analyze everything, I easily write men out of my life and sometimes relationships make me feel like I have a plastic bag tied over my head (suffocated). Running away from and sabotaging love is just as bad, if not worse than chasing after it at any cost.
Though we (women like me) strive our entire lives to convince ourselves that we will not be the type of girls who carry our “daddy issues” into our relationship, there comes a certain time when you realize your daddy issues were boarded onto the plane before you even checked onto the flight. Despite knowing that he is NOT your dad, its hard to think that any man could love you enough to stick around when the initial example was null void. The feelings of abandonment, rejection, vulnerability and loneliness and to avoid having to relive this pain you push your self away from any man who shows any interest beyond a platonic friendship in you.
The hardest thing for me to come to terms with was knowing that I was destined to be a daddy’s girl. My Godfather stepped up to the plate as my father and allowed me to partially experience what it was like to have a dad. We attended all the father-daughter dances, he was my escort at my debutante ball, he stood at the bottom of the stair case next to my date at prom and will undoubtedly be the man who walks me down the aisle at my wedding. He spoiled me, he loved me and gave me the perfect example of what a true father-daughter relationship was supposed to be…but at the end of the day I knew, he wasn’t my father.
Even though reconciliation would be the road most traveled, for some of us that option isn’t available. In order to embrace love you have to truly open yourself up. Becoming vulnerable, trusting someone and letting all your guards down will be the scariest thing you have to do on your quest for love. Not everyone you run into will deserve to have you apart of their life, but at least you can rest easy at night knowing that you did not sabotage what “could have been.”
There is hope for us yet, because the only thing you can control in your life is WHAT YOU DO. You cannot go back and erase time, you cannot fix what was broken but you can allow yourself to find a future full love. It’s not easy, and it doesn’t happen overnight, but I speak from experience and know that it can, will and does get better.
Live Long. Laugh Often.Love All.